Silenced
Welcome to the “Digging Deeper Series” where I dive deeper and discuss more serious, in depth topics. For this week, I have a shorter story but something I believe we will all experience at some point in our life. Let’s begin, shall we?
Years ago at a family function, I remember sitting on the couch. It was the holiday season which kept everyone busy. Some were talking and catching up from the previous months. Others were eating, laughing, and having a good time. I, myself had waited all year for this moment. For the family, to be reunited. I looked forward to the different topics of conversation and catching up with everyone. Yet there I was sitting on the couch staring straight ahead. I may have appeared as though everything was alright but internally I in a completely different headspace. Rather, I was miles and miles away from what was going on around me.
Deep inside of me, I felt a pain I had not known about before. I felt left out and ignored. I began contemplating why I was made differently, why I didn’t fit in, or what was wrong with me. I became upset, hurt, and confused. Nothing made sense to me anymore. It was as though my entire world came crashing around me. For the first time in my life, I recognized how lonely I was.
As time passed by, there I remained. Trapped inside my own head with no way of getting out. Even at times, when I was desperate to escape. I couldn’t. It was physically draining and mentally exhausting. There were times when I felt as though I was screaming out for help, pleading for someone to rescue me from my own misery. But no one ever did.
I felt like a lost cause. Everything I had tried, failed. All the signs and symptoms I showed to the world, ignored. Nothing seemed to work.
Until one day, something clicked. It was as though a wave of relief washed over me. I was free. Free from the burden of my own mind.
I began to notice the vibrancy of the colors that surrounded me. The grass was so green, the sky was so blue, and the sun was shiny too. At night, beautiful stars illuminated the dark sky. Suddenly the light inside of me was no longer dimmed down. Instead, it sparkled sending rays of light cascading through the sky. It was the first time in a long time, I felt alive.
During my darkest hours, there was a lot I learned about myself. First, I realized how strong I was mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I continued on, in spite of the darkness that surrounded me, in spite of how lonely I felt, in spite of the pain or toll it took. Although I couldn’t see, hear, smell, taste, or touch, I knew there was something greater in life. I just didn’t know what IT was. Second, I remain steadfast in the belief that good people exist. Although those around me didn’t pick up on the subtle differences, changes in personality, or hear my calls for help, it didn’t mean that they didn’t care. It can be difficult for someone on the outside looking in to recognize the behaviors or patterns of sadness, loneliness, unhappiness or feelings of isolation. Third, I found that even in the worst of times, I remained polite, respectful, and kind. I didn’t want someone to suffer as I once did. Fourth, the way I saw the world wasn’t the same way the world saw me. While I internalized my deepest fears and worst regrets, the world saw me as just another living, breathing human being. Fifth, no one came to rescue me. I SAVED me. As much as I may have reached out to others for their help and support, It was my choice to make.
And it was me. I am the one who silenced myself through negative self-talk. I am the one who compared myself to others. I am the one that allowed myself to believe I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, or fit enough. That was me.
Before I came to that conclusion that I was behind it all, I was convinced that no one cared, that I wasn’t worthy of redemption, or that I wouldn’t be accepted for who I was. But the more I realized that those were my own feelings and no one else’s, the more aware I became. Not only of the power that we all have deep inside of us but also of the strength we have to pull ourselves out of a dark place.
Since September is National Suicide Prevention Month, I thought it was best to share a similar experience I had with intrusive thoughts as a way to create awareness, to start a conversation, and spread light on this important topic. Per Google AI Overview, “Intrusive thoughts can be common and can happen to anyone…. And while harmless in themselves, intrusive thoughts can have a negative effect on quality of life and sometimes affect behavior”.
My hope is that this will reach someone in their time of need. So, if you are in the thick of things right now or you are experiencing unpleasant thoughts, please don’t hesitate to get the help you need. You can call or text 988 and you will be connected with a mental health professional through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Other suggestions, include reaching out to someone you trust, contacting a loved one, or expressing your feelings. If you find you aren’t able to get motivated or you don’t know where to start, here are some things that helped me on my journey:
Spending time in nature and/or near water
Reaching out to friends / family / community for support
Exercising, eating healthy, getting a proper amount of rest
Petting animals
Writing
Drawing / painting / scribbling
Taking time for self-care (bubble baths, face masks, treating myself to my favorite food)
Learning to reframe my thoughts
And remembering to be easy on myself
Going forward, for the next five weeks of the Digging Deeper Series, I am going to be more open, honest, and vulnerable than I ever have before. I want to share my experiences with the goal of spreading awareness, creating dialogue, and educating others. Free feel to reach out at any time to ask me questions, to share your our experience, or message me with any concerns. Also, if you have any suggestions for a topic you would like me to discuss, you can send me an email at inspire.those.who.inspire.me@gmail.com. In the meantime, have a beautiful week and I look forward to seeing you back next Monday, September 30th, 2024.
As a signature of this blog, I like to end each post with a suggestion to “Pass on kindness”. There is no such time as the present to “Inspire Those Who Inspire You”. Acts of kindness, no matter how big or small, can have a direct, positive impact on someone else. Go out there today and change someone’s life for the better.
