It Ends With Me
In today’s world, it’s easier for misconceptions to happen through technology, one’s own perspectives, or from our own ego getting in the way. But just because those things can get in the way doesn’t mean we should allow it. We can choose to live in a world that values people. To start, we need to communicate.
Communication not only allows us to build relationships with others but it can also be used to resolve disagreements that arise. For example, recently I had an old flame/past connection reach out. He told me that ever since we went on a date that he felt tension in our friendship. At first, it came as a surprise. After further discussion, I recognized that I unintentionally hurt him in the process. So, I took accountability and apologized.
As our conversation continued, I checked-in with him to see if he was okay to proceed. From there, he went on to share a more personal experience and so, I followed suit. I expressed how my feelings weren’t being reciprocated in my previous relationship and how he removed me from all his socials. But my past flame/connection had other thoughts. He perceived the situation as something I should’ve been frustrated by given the lack of closure. Except his lived experience wasn’t mine. Rather, my past relationship was something else entirely. He was a gentleman who showed me kindness and respect. He was someone who supported me in ways others didn’t. And he got me obsessed with action figures. To the point, that I still go to Target to find more.
From this example alone, it shows our differences. These differences appear in many forms from something as simple as communication styles and love language’s to prior experiences and strong beliefs. Rather than blame and criticize someone’s lived existence, I have learned the art of listening. And if I need further clarification or guidance, I will ask.
Another method that I’m trying to incorporate into my relationships is the heard, helped, or hugged method. From my research, the original post may be “When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question” through the New York Times. I‘m not quite sure as it is behind a paywall but you can click the link to see if you have the same issue. Fortunately, I found other posts that go onto explain this method. I will link them below. The first one is titled, “A Simple Question: Heard, Helped, or Hugged?” It is a blog post that discusses this approach as well as correlating to how dog handlers take care of their pups. For the second post called “Do you want to be Heard, Helped, or Hugged” by Hannah Dudley, Hannah shares how to utilize this tool as both the listener and the sharer. Share with me below your thoughts about this method.
In my personal experience, I learned communication does not have to be confrontational. Arguments can be calm, cool, collected discussions but in order to do so, all parties need to be respectful, forthcoming, and willing participants to communicate. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. One friendship example I have is when I confronted my friend about the very issue she was upset with others for. She shared with me that she was bullied during a period of her life. However, one day she did that very same thing to another person we knew. She even went farther than that and threw them under the bus. To say, I was upset and furious was another story. I expressed my anger towards her but she made excuses. Eventually when I took notice that she was starting to do the same thing to me, I confronted her about it and she got upset. To the point, that I got in trouble for then being bullied myself. During that time, I tried everything to resolve the conflict. I genuinely apologized, I expressed my feelings of hurt, I gave her space, I suggested a compromise, and I even reached out to have a meeting so we could have an open-ended discussion to gain understanding and clarity. In the end, I learned a valuable lesson. The thing I learned is that you can’t change people to be better. They have to want to do it themselves.
Another example I have is from a couple years ago. A friend and I had a disagreement that left us feeling frustrated. I needed time to relax, collect my thoughts, and later discuss. However, my friend was equipped and ready to go. When I informed my friend that I wasn’t ready to discuss yet, it caused a whole ordeal. I was slammed with text messages and phone calls immediately. It wasn’t until I agreed to a time and place for us to further discuss that my friend finally relented. When we met up, I was yelled at, belittled, and accused in the middle of a park in the rain at 8am on a Sunday. Any time that I tried to speak or share my feelings, I was ignored or put down. Instead, I let my friend hurl insults at me left and right including this one liner “I told my therapist and multiple friends about you and they all think you’re crazy”. Back then, I considered all her points. I thought I was in the wrong, that I was crazy, but I soon realized what she said about me wasn’t true. Once I came to that realization, I let the relationship go. From that experience, I learned another life lesson. I learned that if my friend wasn’t willing to be open to hearing my point of view, we weren’t going to be able to resolve things. A relationship is a two-way street.
Both situations were hard lessons to learn but they changed me for the better. I know me and my intention is not to hurt people nor do I have a problem admitting my faults. I also realized that no matter how much I may value a relationship, if the other party doesn’t also, I can’t change them or the view they have. In addition to that, I learned to set boundaries. By setting boundaries, we express to others what is important to us in the relationship we have. If those boundaries are crossed, conflict is bound to happen. My suggestion is to communicate. If there’s something you don’t agree with, say something. It may resolve all problems. And finally, I learned to appreciate the friendships I do have. I share memes, I treat others out, I craft gifts, and I enjoy the journey knowing that one day when our time may come to a close, I did the best I could do for the relationships that I had.
As someone who has been on all sides of a relationship, it can be a tremendous amount of work but it’s worthwhile, in my opinion. Before I end this post, here are some suggestions I have for when others do communicate to you. For instance, if someone asks for time to collect their thoughts, let them. If others need clarification to understand, answer them. If texting isn’t working and someone asks to call you, allow them too. If someone brings up an issue from the past, hear them out. We all react differently and we are our own person with our own lived experiences that got us to where we are today. So, communicate, communicate, communicate!!
That is all for today’s post. For the next four weeks of the Digging Deeper Series, I am going to continue to be more open, honest, and vulnerable than I ever have before. I want to share my experiences with the goal of spreading awareness, creating dialogue, and educating others. If you have any suggestions, comments, concerns, feel free to reach out. I am also interested in learning about a similar experience you may have had or lessons you learned. You can send an email over to inspire.those.who.inspire.you@gmail.com or connect with me on any of my socials. In the meantime, have a beautiful week and I look forward to seeing you back next Monday, October 7th, 2024.
As a signature of this blog, I like to end each post with a suggestion to “Pass on kindness”. There is no such time as the present to “Inspire Those Who Inspire You”. Acts of kindness, no matter how big or small, can have a direct, positive impact on someone else. Go out there today and change someone’s life for the better.
