There Was Us
Another week of the Digging Deeper Series is upon us. This week I am going to share another personal experience except this week’s focus will be my love life. The point of the Digging Deeper Series is to discuss and share topics that are important, that can help others who have been through similar situations, and to raise awareness. Let’s begin, shall we?
The thing about relationships is that they can be messy, complicated, and confusing but they can also be beautiful, loving, and refreshing. The relationship I’m referring too was welcoming, warm, and thoughtful. He was different from other guys I had dated previously. It felt secure.
He was someone who made me laugh, someone who challenged me philosophically, and someone I just enjoyed being around. It didn’t hurt that we got along great and spoke frequently. It was a nice change of pace. On occasion, we’d get pancakes together or go on drives together. Eventually, he shared his favorite music playlist with me and I showed him my favorite places to frequent.
In particular, one adventure we shared together was when I took him to a beach in Wisconsin. That morning I picked him up and drove us over to get brunch. From there, we ordered some pancakes before hitting the road. Along the way, we talked about life but the conversation never grew awkward. It was free-flowing, easy-going.
When we arrived, it had just rained. The ground was wet, there were puddles everywhere, and the rain clouds could be seen off into the distance. That didn’t stop us, however. We got out and walked along the beach. After a few minutes, we noticed a rainbow had appeared. We paused, took in the sights and smells, before grabbing a picture to capture the moment forever.
Eventually, we made our way over to another one of my favorite spots along the rocks. There we took a couple pictures together. He took ones of me. I also got a couple videos of him looking out upon the rocks. After spending more time enjoying each other’s presence, we started to walk along the rocks when we saw a ferret. It was a small, white and brown, long, skinny squirrel if you will. It was cruising between the rocks. One minute it popped up next to me and the next it was 10 feet down. It was cute but the little guy was fast! We tried to gain the little guys trust but he got frightened easily and disappeared just as quickly as he appeared. Instead, we sat down and enjoyed our time by looking out onto the lake.
From there, I showed him the downtown area where we walked along the marina admiring the ships as we took in our surroundings. Once we did that, we began our trip back home. However, the trip we took together that day was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. It was peaceful, calm, and a dream come true. To this day, it remains as one of my favorite trips.
At the time of the trip, we had only been dating. Shortly thereafter, he asked me out. He did so by leaving a gift for me. It was a stuffed white and brown ferret with a note next to it. The note asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Of course, I said yes. For a couple weeks, all went well. But then, things begin to change.
He appeared to became more possessive. He started wanting us to hangout more and more. When I would share with him that I already had plans with friends/family, he didn’t seem to take the news particularly well. He would question why I wasn’t spending the time with him and then we’d get into an argument. Later on, I would make excuses for his behavior by telling myself it was normal and happens all the time in other relationships. But each time it would get to a point where I would end up apologizing even though I was the one being upfront and honest. Once I started to notice this pattern occurring, I began questioning everything, I blamed myself, I wondered what I did wrong to cause this, and I started to realize that this wasn’t a good relationship after all. The only problem was I didn’t know how to get out of it. I felt trapped.
By this point in the relationship, I didn’t communicate nearly as frequently as I was previously with friends and family. I tried to prevent any further disagreement’s from occurring between the two of us. Then, each time I would share my feelings, it felt as though he flipped it around and it would be my fault. So, I’d make excuses for his behavior and then apologize. Meanwhile, he would begin to love-bomb me. He would start complimenting me like crazy, tell me how in love he was with me, try to persuade me of how good we were together and how much I mean to him. In addition to that, rumors began to circulate about me and they weren’t of the positive kind.
Also, around that time, my birthday was coming up. I expressed to him that I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I preferred something simple. I was already feeling uneasy enough as it was about the relationship and I didn’t want him to splurge in the event we broke up or something. However, he didn’t bother to listen. He told me that he got me a couple gifts and he wanted to drop them off at my place so he asked for my address. It was my gut instinct that stopped me. Something felt off. So, I didn’t give him my address and informed him that we could meet up at some other time. I also later cancelled our dinner plans at an upscale restaurant. It was too much. It all became too much.
I don’t remember if we broke up for the first time shortly before or after my birthday but we did at one point. I asked for space. And although he didn’t really give me space during the “break”, I came to my senses and really started to put the pieces together of all the red flags I had been ignoring. Then, I stopped making excuses for him and started to pay more attention to his actions and not just his words.
Once we did get back together, we didn’t last long. Quickly conversations turned to arguments due to lack of trust, communication, or who knows what. It was clear to me at that point that we shouldn’t be together anymore. I didn’t want the toxic cycle to continue any further so, I ended things.
However, that didn’t stop anything. He continued with his ways. He would message me, question me and ask to get back together anytime he saw me. He would hang out at work during my entire shift. He would be nonchalant in front of others. Then, when it was just us, he would bombard me with sexual comments, he’d apologize and tell me how wrong he was, and he would be insistent of how we belong together. I, other hand, would share my discomfort and tell him I wasn’t interested in getting back together. Still it didn’t stop him. His persistence continued for weeks. At some point, he was given a warning to stay away but he didn’t listen. Afterwards, he tried to make amends and apologized but became more upset.
Although nothing ever became physical in our relationship, I struggled for a while afterwards. Similar to my previous post “The Past Dilemma” which I will add the link for here, it was the mental and emotional aspect that really took a toll on me. It was a lot to process and overcome especially regarding someone I cared so deeply for.
I wanted so badly for us to work out too but I was unable to put up with it any longer. The constant breaking up and getting back together was intolerable and exhausting. Each time we’d talk, it didn’t feel as though we achieved anything. So, we’d break up again only to start all over once more.
Our relationship deteriorated so fast that to this day, I’m still not quite sure what happened. I’ve wondered if there was something I did that triggered him. To me, I don’t feel that we ever lacked trust. More so, I feel as though it came down to communication. There had to have been a break down in communication somewhere. I am just unable to pin exactly when it occurred.
Although our relationship didn’t quite work out the way either of us wanted nor did we get proper closure, I wish you the best. I hope you find happiness and fall deeply in love, but most of all, I hope you will find peace with where you are on your journey, with who you are as you are, and I hope that you will prosper.
Regardless of how a relationship ends, I believe it’s important to part with love and peace. Even if things ended suddenly or words were left unsaid, I know that at one time, I valued that relationship deeply. The time, energy, and effort I invested in it came from a place of genuine care.
If you’re stuck in an unhappy, toxic, or jarring relationship, it can feel impossible to get out of but there are steps that you can take: 1) Recognize the signs, 2) Prioritize your well-being, 3) Establish boundaries, 4) Seek support, 5) Focus on self-worth, 6) Come up with a plan, especially if you live together/feel unsafe, 7) It’s not a sign a failure but an act of strength and self-respect, and 8) Take time to heal. Now if you are questioning whether the relationship is simply making you unhappy vs. unhealthy, try establishing boundaries. If your partner tries to improve or makes adjustments, more than likely you may just be unhappy in the relationship rather than unhealthy. You can still try to convey your feelings or perspective but if it doesn’t work out or things make you uneasy, listen to your gut feeling. It’s usually not wrong. In my personal experience, I know that I am more than likely to overlook the red flags or make excuses for poor behavior. It can be hard to accept that someone may not love others the same way we love them.
If at anytime you feel unsafe or experience abuse of any kind, please reach out to someone. It can be someone you trust (friend, partner, family member, classmate, colleague). You can call your local police department or to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, click here. The phone number to reach someone at is 800-799-7233, you can also chat live with someone on the website, or you can text “START” to 88788. If you are ever unsure of who to you need to get in contact with, call emergency. You deserve to feel safe, secure, and loved in your relationships, don’t ever forget it.
As for the next two weeks of the Digging Deeper Series, I am going to continue to be more open, honest, and vulnerable than I ever have before. I want to share my experiences with the goal of spreading awareness, creating dialogue, and educating others. If you have any suggestions, comments, concerns, feel free to reach out. I am also interested in learning about similar experiences you may have had or lessons you learned. You can send an email over to inspire.those.who.inspire.you@gmail.com or connect with me on any of my socials. In the meantime, have a beautiful week and I look forward to seeing you back next Monday, October 21st, 2024.
As a signature of this blog, I like to end each post with a suggestion to “Pass on kindness”. There is no such time as the present to “Inspire Those Who Inspire You”. Acts of kindness, no matter how big or small, can have a direct, positive impact on someone else. Go out there today and change someone’s life for the better.
