Accepting the Unacceptable

On Sunday, March 14th, 2010, my life changed forever in a matter of seconds. One moment I was watching a Chicago Cubs pre-season baseball game in my bedroom and the next my mom walked in to inform me that there was something she needed to tell me. Although I am not able to remember what happened next, I know I could never have been prepared for the terrible, heart-wrenching news.

At the time, I was 16 years old. My life was normal. I was a Sophomore in high school. I was the baby of five. I was in the band. I played sports. I was in Student Government. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends, going for runs, listening to music on my iPod. Everything was great so I thought.

That was until I received the news that my brother passed away. I could not believe it. I was in shock. It was completely unexpected.

A few months prior, my brother came to visit with his girlfriend. At the time, I did not realize how precious time was with those closest to you. So, the day my brother stopped by, I was not home. I chose to keep the plans that I had previously made with friends. If only I could have known someway, somehow that it was going to be the last time I would ever see him, I would have moved mountains that day. But unfortunately, that was not the case.

The day after I received the news, I remember that I was at track practice after school. It was a weird time as I was numb and still in disbelief. I do not recall being emotional nor was I my happy-go-lucky self. Rather, practice was just a mere distraction. While I was running around the track with my teammates, I saw my mom park her car and walk up to my coach to inform him of what had happened.

It is not everyday that tragedy strikes. On March 14th, 2010, I learned that my brother was killed and had been stabbed by his girlfriend. After that day, so much happened.

I do not know how much time had passed but one day I showed up to my Chemistry class and forgot to bring my gym shoes. So, my teacher at the time told me to go to the hallway as I would not be able to do the lab that day. When she did, I burst out into tears. Like full on sobbing. Clearly, her and my friends at the time knew something else was wrong.

Up until that point, I think I only told one or two of my closest friends. So, a lot of my friends did not know. And unfortunately, a similar incident happened to a student at my school a week or so prior to my outburst. As I was sitting on the floor in the hallway, my friend sat down beside me and was comforting me. That is when I opened up to her. Shortly after that, my teacher sent me to speak with a counselor on-site. I told her what happened and the whole ordeal. She emailed all my teachers to let them know. And that was that.

From then on, I was trying to deal with grief as best as I could. There were many ups and downs. Sometimes when talking to friends about the situation, I would be too forth-coming. Then, there were other times were I kind of would distract myself and ignore my feelings. It was a rollercoaster of emotions. But it was okay as it helped me overcome the hardest days.

So, if you or anyone you know are going through grief right now, please know that there is no right way or wrong way to handle grief. Please know that you are allowed to take your time coming to terms with the grief and that all the feelings you experience are valid. If someone tells you to “just get over it” or “it is not that bad” please do me a favor and do NOT listen to them. Please be gentle with yourself during this time. Treat yourself to your favorite foods, desserts. Find an outlet, whether that be your friends, family, therapy, hobbies, sports, etc. And most importantly, remind yourself that you are not alone in this. If you need someone to listen, I am here.

I have also reached out to those closest to me for their advice with grief. Here is what they had to say:

“I did lose both my grandparents last year,  before and right after I started working. I also found out on the news that a friend of mine was shot and killed as well. What helped me get through that time was focusing on my work and feeling like I can get stuff done. If I could keep myself on the positives and think of the better times, I was able to pull through and get stronger as well” - Nightray

“I would say one part of getting through grief is to surround yourself with people that care about you and love you. Also I think having a foundation that cannot be moved in your life can help bring peace. Which I think can look different for each person, from faith to a cause greater than ourselves” -Joseph

“I think one of the biggest things is doing what works best for you. Each person deals with grief differently. Some people like to remember good memories and others need some time to process it. If someone wants to help another person dealing with grief, it always helps to listen to them and let them know you are there for them” -Lili

“My advice to someone who has been through loss is to let yourself feel the sadness and grief, do not be afraid to cry and let it out. It is a healthy part of the grieving process. To deal with loss, it helped me to lean on family and friends for support” - Brittany

“1) What is one piece of advice I would give someone who has been through a loss? It is okay to hurt, it is okay to cry and feel your emotions. It is more important to learn that life continues and the time you had with that person is a blessing.

2)What helped me with grief/loss?

Everyone is different, for me, I was fortunate enough to go through a loss with multiple people. So, that made coping with the loss easier, as a group we were able to discuss our feelings.

As an additional side note: death, unexpected or expected, is never easy.

I lost my friend 13 years ago. He dealt with diabetes and graduated June 4th. He passed on June 26th, 2010. We found out later that he had a seizure and then slipped into diabetic coma. My brother found him. My friend’s death was hard because at 15/16, it was a lot to process and it really changed my faith. I spent many years mad at God, many years of blaming him for my friends death” -Ed

“One piece of advice for someone who has been through loss: Share your story with people. It can be cathartic and release the invisible weight that has been sitting in your body, and it can also encourage others to do the same. This could lead to a kinder, more healed society.

What helped me cope with grief/loss: I witnessed my aunt’s last moments as she died from cancer. The death was not in the sterile, controlled setting of a hospital. She died in her home, surrounded by her family. While this may bring comfort to some, I was traumatized by it, particularly because I was holding her hand when she died. We didn’t have any heart monitors telling us that. We only knew when her body turned cold.

Afterwards, I did not talk about it. Not even to my long term partner at the time. My family did not talk about the active death process either, only fond memories we had of my aunt while she was alive. My grief manifested in depressive episodes, mood swings, and weight gain.

My advice would be to get help as quickly as possible. Talk to someone - anyone- about what you are feeling and thinking. Those that do not support you or respond kindly are not meant to be in your life. For those that do- keep them close. Have patience with yourself as you work on getting to a more healed place. Finding peace is possible, and it does not mean that we “forget” our loved one. It means that we can hold space for their memory while also being a healed, human being” -Angela

-Pass on Kindness