Black & Blue
Black and blue, battered and bruised, someone’s hurt your ego and so have you?
I was listening to a church sermon the other day where the Pastor discussed how there are three different personalities in the world. There are the warriors, who fight to the death to prove that they are right even if it ruins their relationships. There’s the avoiders who value relationships, first and foremost, and sweeps all the issues under the rug. And finally, there are the peacekeepers. The ones who apologize even when they aren’t in the wrong. They go out of their way to protect others from the darkness of this world.
The Pastor continued by talking about how during an argument, there is a back-and-forth discussion of who is trying to out better—or out hurt the other. We’ve all done it and we’ve all been there. Oftentimes, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to back down or refrain from trying to prove a point. It may not be right but it happens. We’re all human.
We each experience a complexity of emotions. Some of which may even be paradoxical at times. That’s okay too. We are complex beings. The more we accept this, the more open we are to new ideas and new perspectives.
When the Pastor was sharing the three personality types, I couldn’t help but relate with all of them. Throughout most of my life, I have been the avoider. I valued my relationships with others far more than wanting to be right. I saw myself as a people-pleaser so I’d put other people’s needs before my own. For a long time, that’s how I thought relationships worked.
Then, when I was dealing with a difficult period of my life, I tried to be the peacekeeper. It may have not been successful, but I was open to all points of view, I followed the suggestions presented to me, I and apologized for things I didn’t do. And although my heart had good intentions, I prevented others from experiencing the consequences of their actions. I also hurt myself in the process.
Meanwhile, after a traumatic situation, I became the warrior. I felt as though I needed to fight to the end of the globe if I had too. It was as though I was drowning and those around me didn’t realize it. The more I sought help, the worse things would get. Once I was able to start releasing those emotions, I had a need to be heard. It didn’t matter how. I just needed someone, anyone to listen.
I’ve come to realize that most of us are scared of expressing our shame, guilt, or embarrassment. It’s one of those uncomfortable emotions and almost taboo topics. I don’t know anyone who enjoys reflecting on them. However, when we do take time to reflect, we are able to see others as humans rather than these terrible human beings who intentionally harm others. It can remind us that we all make mistakes but that we have the power to move forward. In doing so, we need to recognize the discomfort but more importantly, something needs to change. For me personally, the last thing I want to do after a messy situation is to cause more harm. I also try not to prolong the pain so I let go of things pretty quick.
In the past, I have made mistakes. I realized that the good intentions I had weren’t always clear. For a good chunk of my life, I thought I expressed myself in a thoughtful, considerate way. It wasn’t until more recently that I was told otherwise. I considered being straight-forward and honest as honorable actions yet I was advised that it could be taken as disrespectful. That was a huge learning curve for me. Oftentimes, situations that arose lacked transparency. There was miscommunication. It was frustrating and upsetting. I struggled to find a way to convey my my feelings without coming off as too direct. It was a lot of trial and error.
Over the course of the past several weeks of the Digging Deeper Series, I’ve learned a lot about myself, my past and present relationships, and my future. For a while, I thought that there was this one solution fits all type of deal. However, if there’s anything that I have learned in life, it’s that there’s not. Every situation, every relationship, every challenge, and every highlight has a particular direction, focus, and tone. The more open we are to learn and grow from an experience, the better we evolve as humans and the more we can adapt to the world around us.
Here is a recap of the past couple weeks. My first post of the Digging Deeper Series was “Silenced”. It was about a time when I let my own thoughts get the best of me. I learned that in order for change to happen, I had to want it. It wasn’t up to family or friends. My destination in life was up to me. Then, in “It Ends With Me”, I discussed the importance of communication in relationships. In order to clear up misconceptions, handle conflicts, and strengthen relationships, communication is a valuable asset.
From there, I shared a deeply personal and upsetting situation in “The Past Dilemma”. It involved a relationship where I was threatened and made to question who I was. Upon reflecting, I’ve come to the conclusion that even those who hurt us so deeply share the same desires we all do. It is to be understood, loved for who we are—not others expectations of us, and to figure out how to forgive ourselves for our past mistakes.
Next, was “There Was Us”. It was about a beautiful relationship that fell apart dramatically. At the time, we didn’t have the proper resources or support to continue on together. And finally, “A Girl’s World” is about having hope, letting faith lead the way, and accepting life as it is. It’s about focusing on things in our control while honoring ourselves. It’s not about the path we took to get there but who we are today that matters most.
In present day, I’ve lived various lives, figuratively. I’ve changed ideas, mindsets, and perspectives more times than I can count. Depending on how I feel each day, my feelings can change like the wind. One week I have a favorite food obsession, a particular workout I enjoy, or a new favorite color. It’s ever-evolving. I consider myself to be someone who is ever-changing, an independent thinker that values the opinions of others. I’m someone who is curious yet cautious. I enjoy researching subjects that are interesting to me. I also have fun crafting up a storm (drawing/painting).
At the heart of it all, is my family. For some, it can be a touchy subject. Family is something you’re born into not something we can choose. It’s a much more complicated ordeal. My family in particular has and always will be a big part of my life. I enjoy every second together. They are all on my highlight reel of fun and favorite times in life. However, there are times we don’t agree or understand each other’s viewpoints. It can be hard. Some would argue that it’s frustrating, it’s upsetting, or it’s confusing. And it can be all of the above. There’s no denying it. In every relationship, there is conflict. Some subtle, some bold, and some submissive.
A way we can start is to let go of the standards we have for others, the expectations we have placed on them, and let them be who they are, myself included. It’s easy to put others on a pedestal, to judge them based on our own experiences, and to react harshly when we are hurt. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Years ago, a friend of mine mentioned how her family was toxic. Her parents didn’t understand her, her boyfriend constantly put her down, and she struggled to maintain good connections. At the time, I probably wasn’t very helpful. Up until that point, I only had positive experiences within my family. I remember this one instance where I mentioned that I was looking for a partner who was family-oriented. Almost immediately she expressed to me that there are a lot of great people who grow up with toxic families. At first, it stung but later on, I understood where she was coming from. It was from a feeling on hurt. She wasn’t trying to upset me. She was speaking on experience.
It breaks my heart each time I think of that moment. I think about what I could’ve done better to comfort her and get her to see the amazingly, caring, intelligent, and determined woman she became. She wasn’t someone who let her circumstances stop her from pursuing her goals in life. She continued on in spite of it all. No matter how much life threw at her or how many battles she had to overcome, she did so even if she was black and blue.
I have crossed paths with many people over the years. Each time I am amazed by people’s strength, their ability and fortitude to keep going, to keep showing up, and the struggles they’ve overcome. And every day, I am more and more inspired by those around me. You may be reading this right now and have no idea the impact you have had on me nor other people. Perhaps, it’s your goofy, genuine personality, your love for adventure, your openness to converse on difficult topics. Maybe its your talent that you share with the world or you’re bright, contagious personality. Perhaps it is the way you share your passions, dreams, and goals with others. By being yourself, you allow others to be themselves too.
In the next couple days, I will be doing an experiment aka poll(s). I want to know what it is that inspires you whether it is people’s lore—background, their personality, or the way they operate. I will post on both LinkedIn and Instagram, so if you don’t already, follow me for more. In the meantime, have a fun and spooky Halloween week!
As a signature of this blog, I like to end each post with a suggestion to “Pass on kindness”. There is no such time as the present to “Inspire Those Who Inspire You”. Acts of kindness, no matter how big or small, can have a direct, positive impact on someone else. Go out there today and change someone’s life for the better.
